some feelings I could never find the single word for

too many emotions and not enough words.

by Grandma Moses

— the surreal warmth you feel in the midst of a cold winter, snuggled in your blanket, your favorite book next to you. The sun has risen, and the coldest day imaginable has started on a very warm note.

— you are feeling too much — your heart is beating too fast for you to catch hold of, and you want to scream all your emotion out or write it out in the perfect words, but nothing comes to your aid. you feel too much, and too much, and it goes on endlessly.

— when you finally do something well — it’s not much but it’s still more than what you could do before — and a foreign feeling of joy blooms in you. You realize that this is the first time that you are truly, unconditionally proud of yourself. In your darkest nights, you will remember that you loved yourself so much once.

— when you realize, not for the first time, that you have truly lost a person you considered a dear friend and they will never talk to you again, and your heart aches with one question — why couldn’t we last?

— it’s 11:11 and you have many things you could ask for, but you wish for none. You stare at the clock and let this moment pass. It is contentment, rebellion and acceptance of many things, and you have suddenly grown up a few more years.

— the realization that you love your parents as much as you hate them; when you decide that you will gift their goodness to your future children, and bury their bad in a past your children don’t deserve to be a part of.

— a friend sends you a song, or a piece of art or writing and tells you that it reminded them of you, and you feel so surprised and scared and joyful that you could even be perceived this way by anyone at all.

— when you’re trying to explain yourself and justify your actions to show someone you love that you didn’t mean to hurt them, but you stop somewhere in between because you see what’s happened — you fear, that this person will leave you, has manifested, and now you will watch them leave while your mind whispers to you, “I knew this would happen.”

— when you’re talking to someone you’re in love with and they’ll never be yours, but you’re talking to them and you’re listening to them tell you about their day and you the love that was bursting our of you in desperate flames calms downs and whispers to you, “this much is enough. he is here and so am I and we are not what I wanted us to be, but this is enough. It’s still enough.”

— you wake up and you are so sure that you were dreaming a wonderful dream; when your eyes open it is as if you’ve just been kissed by someone you adore — your heart feels at home and your body feels warm and calm. You wish you could remember what you dreamt about, and you’re so grateful you dreamt it.

— after months of dealing with grief, a certain day comes when you laugh and smile with people you love in the places you love, and you finally accept that maybe one day, you can find as much happiness as you had before grief knocked on your door.

— when you’re listening to a song on repeat and you’re so sure you’ve listened to it a hundred times already. People keep asking you how many times are you going to listen to this one song, and you don’t know how to tell them that you want the song engraved into your soul and you want it to play around you forever, because you don’t know what word this emotion is called.

— the realization that, even in the worst days, you wish for your heart to be hopeful and your soul to be kind to yourself and everyone around you, no matter what hell rains down upon you. You see the beauty in kindness, and you want to be kind.