How (not) to be a good friend
and why I wish I hated myself a little less
A note to you, dear reader: this is not an apology, it is an explanation. I am not here to seek pity, I am here to talk to you about something that needs to be talked about with someone, and you are all I have at this moment.
Over the course of my grieving over the year, I found myself pushing away almost everyone I was friends with on my social media — fights I could have avoided, apologies I could have made, people I should have talked to — and I let every single friendship of mine go down the drain (except for two).
That's when I saw it — the pattern. Apart from a couple, maybe three people, I pushed everyone else away. The people I couldn't push away were the ones who stayed no matter how moody or rude or sad I got — I realized that despite my worst intentions to drive them away from me, they stuck by.
I purposely, always, drew people away. I cut them off of me upon the littlest things, because if I didn't make them hate me, they'd hate me sooner or later. They'd leave first, and that would hurt way more. I hated myself so much that I spent most of my consciousness cutting people away from me.
Moreover, when I tried to apologize to people, to somehow tell them what I have done, why I pushed you away and why I might probably do it again (which is again, not an excuse of course), I felt like I was trying to gain pity for being the worst friend. I was not anyone's responsibility; my habits were no one's burden, and so I left before anyone else could.
Here's what had happened — I had built walls around myself, and these walls were so high, that I did not have the heart to bring people with me over them, and not a lot of people had the time or incentive to break them. The people who stayed are the ones who somehow jumped over the walls I built and are now my most treasured relationships.
I don't know how to be a friend. I don't think I have it in me to be anyone's friend. My hatred for myself has completely disabled my ability to care for people the way people usually do. I am not kind, not caring, I do not call, I do not text. I can't stand up for you if I don't agree with you, I can't be there for you in your worst days because I'll probably be dealing with my own. I react in anger so that I don't have to bear someone else's anger, and then, instead of trying to stay behind, I ruin and I run.
After having seen death up so close and realizing how impermanent we all are, I don't think I have it in me (yet) to learn how to be a friend. All I can do is give the best of me to the people who stayed despite me being a monster.
How do you apologize for breaking your own heart, and a hundred others in the process too? How do I move ahead with the resolution that I will be kind to myself and anyone who dares to befriend me, while years of demolished friendships hang over me like ghosts unburied?
If I had the chance to talk to even one of the people I left behind, maybe I'd say this — I am sorry. I am the absolute worst, and you have to know that I am sorry, but I don't have what it takes to be your friend.
I'm sorry I didn't keep in touch, I'm sorry I never stood up for you. I'm sorry I let all our misunderstandings flourish, and I'm sorry I ran away from you because I trusted my overthinking more than I trusted the fact that you loved me enough to stay. I'm sorry I ran away instead of facing you, and I'm sorry I hurt you and I kept trying to reconcile things just because I yearned for you, but in the end, all I did was run.
All these days I have been looking for a way to calm this ache of wrongness in my heart. It was me who chose to leave, and I am the one who is hurting to no end. I thought that maybe if I completely wipe away all of my past, I could feel a little better, but I didn’t. Maybe if I tried to explain to them, maybe that would help. But why should anyone listen to me? What did I do to help anyone? What did I do to deserve love from them? There was only one way left — make peace with the fact that yes, over the years, I have purposely screwed up every relationship I had a chance of building.
Maybe now, after finally having understood what I have been doing wrong all these years, I will seek (try my best) to love and treasure the people I have with me, and maybe ache a little less for what I don’t have. Maybe I will finally learn how to be a friend. We’ll never know.
Always aching in my heart,
Apollo
maybe in my 2018 and till the end of 2019 im ever in those states exactly the way same as your letter written there. i pushed off every peoples surrounding. depression hit too hard at that time. and one way of my cope mechanism for deal with it is by bein alone. reflecting on my self. thats why i leave everyone. its hurt so much. to realize that ive losing them. truly. but what can i do. life so exhausting. and in the way for stay alive stay grounded and survive is by finding my ownself first. thats what i did back then. with the price that ive loosing all peoples around. thanks you for this letter. thank you. i appreciate it
Hoo boi, do I take the time to write a comment, huh.
> I don't know how to be a friend. I don't think I have it in me to be anyone's friend.
Italicized OOF because I felt it. Holy smokes, that hit right it the heart.
You’re not a monster.
You probably don’t not even remember me, which is understandable, but it was one of those people who were talking to you but weren’t close to you in Twi. And for what I’ve seen and felt - you are not a monster, you’re a human.
So anyway. I feel for you, wish you best of luck and want you to have more appreciation towards yourself. ‘Cause I definitely see this an absolutely beautiful soul of yours and it’s warm.